Married to One, but in Love with Another

I recently wrote an article for Family Life Canada and received this question: How can you be in love with one person, but marry another?
This was my reply:

When we have sex we bond with them, physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally, as well as chemically. We release chemicals and hormones that creates a bond or attachment with that person. God says He makes 'two into one flesh' through sexual intimacy. Both men and women release a hormone called oxytocin which is the bonding hormone, causing men and women to be glued together. Oxytocin is what creates that love feeling.

And in marriage as you have sex over and over...you bond more and more and your love deepens and matures. But when we have sex outside marriage and then break up, we start to damage our bonding hormone...we release less and less with each subsequent partner. Eventually if we've had enough adverse romantic experiences involving sex (where we love and then break up) we can inhibit our ability to bond fully the way God intended in marriage.

Hypothetically if someone had sex with a first love, she bonded with him. Then when they broke up, she was wounded...as she moved to her next relationship, she fell in love again, but wouldn't have bonded as much in the next relationship. Depending on how many sexual partners she bonded with before marriage would depend on just how well she bonded with her husband.

Just because we get married doesn't mean the past is all wiped away. We bring all those past partners into marriage with us, and in fact stay bonded to them without really knowing it. Then when we begin to experience difficulties in our marriage, and our love wanes, our attachment to past partners can cause us to still feel love for them. Also oxytocin increases the recall of the positive events of past relationships and decreases the recall of the negative. So when her marriage began to have cracks, she began to fantasize about the good in the last relationship...and began to wonder if life would have been better with him.

But unfortunately it's fantasy and not reality. All marriages experience struggles and sometimes we have days when we don't 'feel' love for each other. But when we've bonded well, the difficult times help us grow closer together and our love deepens. But if we are still attached to past lovers, we will stay in the past, and resist the work needed to grow our marriages. But when we let God heal us and break us from past relationships, we can fully love and bond with our spouses. Which is why I encourage young people to go through healing for all past sexual partners and experiences so that they don't bring anyone else into their marriages and are able to fully bond with their spouse.

Science is showing that God can heal the brain, and restore our ability to release oxytocin even if its been depleted because of past wounding. God has done this in my own life and marriage, and in countless others as I've led men and women through sexual healing the past 7 years.

So I guess what I'm saying is that this scenario doesn't have to be...with healing, we can be fully bonded and love our spouse regardless of past relationships. I'm praying that God gives you hope that what you long for and desire is really what He desires for all of us in marriage, and that when we trust Him, its also possible.

Cambodia 2011

STOP THE SALE OF CHILDREN FOR SEX

Having my eyes opened to the global tragedy of sex-trafficking on my first trip to Cambodia in 2009, has changed me forever. Since then God has led me to serve in many ways to help rescue and restore the victims of sex-trafficking. Here I am speaking at the United Nations, Conference on the Status of Women in Feb 2011 on how to help women heal from the trauma of sex-trafficking. This past year I’ve also begun to help in a local ministry called Courage House that is providing a loving, healing home for victims of sex-trafficking in Sacramento.
But the children of Cambodia still have my heart.

This year I’m leading the team again from Bayside church as we go to serve Agape International Mission (aim4asia.org) in their on-going, successful mission to rescue girls from the streets of Svay Pak who are sold by their parents for sex. In addition to the home where the rescued girls find love and restoration, as well as educational and vocational training, AIM serves the community of Svay Pak by offering a free medical clinic, kid’s club, school, gym, computer classes and church. Because of AIM, God is changing the hearts of the people in this community and girls are being rescued and restored.

Your generous support will allow us to pour needed funds into all these ministries. Last year we were able to supply some of the poorest families at local brick factories with rice, shoes, and medicine. Rahab’s house in Svay Pak received funds for medicine, kid’s club, the gym and computer classes. We also put on a celebration 4th of July party for the girls at the restoration home. After all this, there was still enough to leave AIM with $6,200 for ongoing operational costs.

I’m asking you to support me with prayer and finances once again as God takes me to Cambodia to serve Him in the work of rescuing, caring for and restoring these victims of sex trafficking. In addition, we’ll provide love and care to those who’ve yet to be rescued in Svay Pak.

Thankyou for partnering with us in this vital mission work. If you’re receiving this as a hardcopy, you can mail in the enclosed card. Please do not put my name anywhere on the check. To do so will mean you won’t get the tax deduction.

You can also give online with Bayside’s Global new online giving at http://bit.ly/ha1PYW. You’ll find my name under the Cambodia heading for trips. If you’re receiving this as an email, print off the attached card and mail in, or use the online link. This is time-sensitive, as I'm still in need of $600 in the next two weeks in order to meet my financial needs.

Thank you and may God Bless you for blessing us…

Barbara